Merry Christmas everyone.

I've had this migraine for a little over a week straight now.
I also have the chicken pox.
This is the second time I've had em. :/

A friend of mine's mother passed away on Sunday.
I visited her tonight, and I'm glad it cheered her up.

This has been a long week, and it's only Tuesday.
><

Just stop and listen.

Last night at youth group, we took the last however many minutes it was to stop and just listen.


I think that's what's missing in most peoples' lives, they don't stop and listen enough.

I was sitting there, listening, and I couldn't help but smile.
I didn't have the greatest day today, but I just had this feeling and the smile just took control of my face.
It was nice because I haven't smiled out of nowhere for a very long time.
I feel refreshed.
=]



Oh. PS.
Cortny and I rule.
:)

Thanksgiving

What I'm Thankful for:::

Tyler and Kim.
My brother being able to be here.
The food we ate today.
My dad's job.
My cousin, because he's about the only person I can confide in
[even though we're at each others' throats 99.98299% of the time =p]

It's finally Saturday

This week was so long.
And way stressful.
I'm so glad it's a weekend.
And this next school week is only two days long,
then it's Thanksgiving.
I GET TO SEE MY BROTHER.
I'm so happy.
I don't think I've been so excited for anything the way I get excited about my brother coming home.

How did this happen?!?!

Cash Advance Loans

#@$%&!

My screen name says::
[[can I die yet?]] =[


and somebody messages me saying:
"are you okay?"

.........
ergh.

Never too Late

"Never Too Late"
by Three Days Grace

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong
Who would have guessed it
I will not leave alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

No one will ever see
This side reflected
And if there's something wrong
Who would have guessed it
And I have left alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like
It's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

The world we knew
Won't come back
The time we've lost
Can't get back
The life we had
Won't be ours again

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late (It's never too late)
It's not too late
It's never too late

Time.

As a good friend of mine told me today, "Time is not constant, it is relative."
I have no idea what he meant, and still don't.
But at the same time, I knew exactly what it meant.
Strange huh?

Anyway, the whole point of him saying that was talking about having so much homework, and no time to do anything, or get anything done.

I've had so much homework lately, and so many other things to do and worry about.

On Saturday, I woke up at 11 AM, did absolutely nothing with my day, and fell asleep at 4:30 PM.
I didn't wake up until today, at 5AM.
My dad and I went out and bought my mom a birthday card and balloon,
Then I came home and took a shower, found myself a ride for church... and a few hours later, I was at church.
At this point I'm almost losing my head because I'm doing this fundraiser for Orchestra..
I'm keeping track of all this money and I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure.
Anyway.
I get home from church sometime after 1PM.
The only thing I had accomplished was my Algebra homework.
Time goes by, and then we go out to dinner for my moms birthday.
That was nice. Except both of my parents learned one thing new about me that one knew and the other didn't. That was fun I suppose.
We get home, it's a little after 9... and I realize, I didn't do my laundry when I got home from church like I said I would. I also didn't do any of my Chemistry homework.
By this time I start freaking out because I have a test in Chemistry tomorrow, and I have no idea what any of the chapter is about, and I'm already failing that class.
Then I think about how I'm failing Algebra 3/4, and my teacher told me I need to retake the second semester of Algebra 1/2, and then it pops into my head about how I failed the last test I took in that class.
Oh boy. Tomorrow is Monday. What a wonderful thought for 10:30 PM on a Sunday night when you're thinking about the test you have and the homework you didn't do.
anyway.

The whole point of this is that There's so much going on in my life, and I don't know what to do with myself anymore.
It never seems to end.
There's so much drama. One thing after another and another.
I'm so confused over so many things.
But I don't have the time to think about these things because I'm already busy enough.

I need a break from life.
Thanksgiving break is coming up, but I fear that break isn't going to be enough.
Hopefully it'll help me to get by until Christmas break.
But hey, I get to see my brother over Thanksgiving.
So I guess you could say I'm pretty darn excited.


I NEED MORE TIME! >.<

yay halloween.

-_-

It's a new week.

I was sick friday and saturday.
I slept all day on Saturday, and then was up until 3.
And then I "snuck out" last night at about 1:30am.
and I was out until 4.
I guess it wouldn't be considered "sneaking out" because I did try to wake my parents up to tell them that I was leaving.
And when I woke up this morning I told them anyway.
hahaha.
Buuut. I really must say, even though I felt like crap, last night was one of the best nights of my life. And I probably laughed more than I have for a very long time.
I finally got to bed at around 5 this morning.
woke up around 9:30, ate some yummy pancakes, went back to sleep... until maybe 4.
And now... Here I am!!
I hope I feel better in the morning
[health-wise that is.]

We have a short week at school this week.
And I have an orchestra concert on Tuesday. I'm so pumped up about that!!
=]
alright. well.
It's bed time.

But before I go... here's some pictures.

I like my eyes in this picture.


We went downtown, I had my camera,
And I needed to take a picture. :]

My Jones collection.

???

What's the point in anti-depressants if they make you fat and more depressed than you were to begin with??

This isn't good at all...

It was wet today.

I got caught skipping class today.
But I'm so good, I didn't get in trouble.
He believed us when we said we had lunch that period.

HAHAHAHA.
I should really watch myself... >.<

Money: A nuisance?

Yes. A big one at that.
Since my dad got a job... things have been doing a little better here at home as far as the money aspect goes.

Fall Convention is coming up in about three weeks.
It was about three weeks ago that I asked my parents if I could have the money to go, they told me I could.
Well, that all got ruined about two weeks ago.
I got a ticket for $94.
Since it wasn't my fault, they told me that I don't have to come up with the money, and they would pay for it.
But that means that I can't have the money for convention.
Okay... they didn't tell me that... But I feel bad enough about the ticket, I don't want them to fork out all this money for me.
65+94= $159... plus extra for me to eat on at convetion and whatnot.
Money seems to hinder me from a lot of things. -_-

AHHH
I want to pull my hair out.

anyway.
I'm slowly bringing up my grades.
Although, I'm not exactly sure what they are right now.
But three weeks ago, I had an F in Chemistry, a D in Algebra, and a C in English.
My teacher is working with me more in Algebra to help me understand.
My English grade was low because we had only had one test and I didn't score very high on that.
Annnnd in Chemistry, I'm working harder to focus more on understanding what I'm doing instead of freaking out over homework.
It seems to be working so far.

So.
That's an update on my life.

-_-

My mom makes me feel so worthless.
And it doesn't help that I feel worthless enough without her adding to it.

This is why I was sort of glad that she and my sister were leaving.
So much for that.
I'm stuck with being worthless the rest of my life.

Numb

I have this feeling of numbness.
I'm still in shock from all of this.
But part of me doesn't care what happens to my mom because she just up and left.
Like she abandoned my dad and I.

*sigh*
I'm at a loss for what to do with myself anymore.

It's long, but just read it.

Let me explain the problem science has with religion." The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

"You're a Christian, aren't you, son?"

"Yes sir," the student says.

"So you believe in God?"

"Absolutely."

"Is God good?"

"Sure! God's good."

"Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?"

"Yes."

"Are you good or evil?"

"The Bible says I'm evil."

The professor grins knowingly. "Aha! The Bible!" He considers for a moment. "Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?"

"Yes sir, I would."

"So you're good...!"

"I wouldn't say that."

"But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't."

The student does not answer, so the professor continues. "He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?"

The student remains silent.

"No, you can't, can you?" the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.

"Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?"

"Er...yes," the student says.

"Is Satan good?"

The student doesn't hesitate on this one. "No."

"Then where does Satan come from?"

The student falters. "From God"

"That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?"

"Yes, sir."

"Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?"

"Yes."

"So who created evil?" The professor continued, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil."

Again, the student has no answer. "Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?"

The student squirms on his feet. "Yes."

"So who created them?"

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. "Who created them?" There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. "Tell me," he continues onto another student. "Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?"

The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor, I do."

The old man stops pacing. "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?"

"No sir. I've never seen Him."

"Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?"

"No, sir, I have not."

"Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?"

"No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't."

"Yet you still believe in him?"

"Yes."

"According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?"

"Nothing," the student replies. "I only have my faith."

"Yes, faith," the professor repeats. "And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith."

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own. "Professor, is there such thing as heat?"

"Yes," the professor replies. "There's heat."

"And is there such a thing as cold?"

"Yes, son, there's cold too."

"No sir, there isn't."

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain. "You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees."

"Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it."

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

"What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?"

"Yes," the professor replies without hesitation. "What is night if it isn't darkness?"

"You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word."

"In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?"

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. "So what point are you making, young man?"

"Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed."

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. "Flawed? Can you explain how?"

"You are working on the premise of duality," the student explains. "You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought."

"It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it."

"Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?"

"If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do."

"Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?"

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

"Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?"

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.

"To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean."

The student looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?" The class breaks out into laughter.

"Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir."

"So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?"

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. "I guess you'll have to take them on faith."

"Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life," the student continues. "Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?"

Now uncertain, the professor responds, "Of course, there is. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

This students statements are true, can you or can you not make night darker?

Is it possible for it to get colder after absolute zero -458 degree's F.

Can you feel,taste,see,hear,or smell your brain,

If you support this students statements then repost.

God in heaven won't mind if you do or don't.

No you won't go to hell.

But your conscience will feel great if you do

I miss being a kid.

I miss the time when I didn't care about how I look.
When I wasn't afraid of what people thought about me.
The days when everyone was best friends with each other.
Nobody cared about who was "going out" with who.

I miss the time when I was carefree.
I wasn't trapped in this hole I've dug myself into.
Always laughing and having fun.
Playing stupid games with my dad.

It's not like that anymore.
And it will never be like that again.

I really miss playing with my dad.
When we were all happy.
I miss my mom telling me to get to bed or
I couldn't get a happy meal for lunch the next day.

*sigh*

School and stuff.

I've only been in school for six days, and I already hate it.

Right now, life is probably as bad as it could get.
My mom wants me to start seeing my counselor twice a week...
Because I'm always so angry and anti-social with everyone.

I dont know. I'm just really sick of everything,
And I really see no point to life right now.

*sigh*
okay... well.
I'm done.

Weee.

Wow. A month since my last post! I'm great haha.
Let's see... I haven't been up to much lately.
School starts in a little over a month.
*makes an icky face*
I don't like school ahhhhh. D=
My fourth of July was pretty sweet.
I Went with Janelle to her cabin up at Harlan Resevoir.
We jet ski'd prettymuch all day. It was great.
We also went tubing. And watched fireworks on the water.
Yeahh.
I had a pretty good time.

And now I'm running on maybe four hours of sleep at the moment.
*BIG yawn!!*

Yay HTML.

I'm finally getting the hang of the HTML for Blogger.
I can understand more now!!
hah. I love messing around with things.
My layout is kind of weird right now... I need to find a source for more color codes..
The picture though... it's a picture of my Cello. =]

okay. well.
I'm done.

Worthless. That's what I am.

People tell me that I'm not worthless.
When I ask them why I'm not...
They can't come up with any reasons,
Making me think that I'm even more worthless.

Even if somebody were to give me a good reason..
I'd still be worthless in my eyes.

I've learned that it doesn't matter what others think of you..
It's what you think of yourself that gets you deep down inside.

If I think I'm fat... I'll be convinced that I'm fat.
If I think I'm stupid... I'll be convinced that I'm stupid.
If I think I'm worthless... well. you know what goes there.

I just don't see how anybody could tell me that I'm not worthless
When clearly I am.

I'm a bad sister, daughter, cousin, friend, student...
I can never do anything right.
And I cause so many problems for way too many people.

*sigh*

We all need a hug sometimes [see video at the end]

All the Same by Sick Puppies

I dont mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
But I dont like illusions I cant see
Them clearly
I dont care, no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually what you'll do
I dont mind
I dont care
As long as you're here

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
But in-between it always seems too long
For certain
But I have the skill, yeah
I have the will, to breath you in while I can
However long you stay is all that I am

I dont mind, I dont care
As long as you're here

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's always the same

Wrong or Right
Black or White
If I close my eyes
Its all the same

In my life
The compromise
I'll close my eyes
Its all the same

Go ahead say it
You're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are now
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

So much for that great feeling..

Today was one of those "Great days turned bad".

*sigh*

Well. In my previous post it said
"I've fallen for yet another guy."

Yeahhh.

So. He asked me out on Monday.

and like 20 minutes ago he called me.

His mom made him break up with me.

This is what she said to him about it...:
"I dont want her to kill herself if
something goes wrong and then you feel like it's your fault."

His mom doesn't know me.

She's never met me, she has no idea who I am.

This sucks.

LIFE is CRAZY

Really, it is.
I've been through so much these last two weeks,
My moods have been completely random.
I'm wondering now how I've managed to survive...
But, I'm still alive. I survived.

*sigh*

Although boys are still stupid.

And me, I'm still just little miss Lucy.

[whom of which has fallen for yet another boy... ohhhhhhh joy]

yup =] hehehehe

Okay. Well.

I'm done.

-End-

I'm so depressed.
I don't know. Like.. the word depressed has no significance to what I feel right now.
I feel so worthless. Lost. Unloved. Alone.
This depression is killing me.

I wish there was somebody that could help me.

I broke up with him.
I feel horrible :(
I'm just hoping he's alright...
*sigh*

Hmm.

I thought I was doing a good job at pretending... and so far it was working on everyone.
But then, out of nowhere.. someone comes up and asks me what's wrong.
I wasn't showing on my face that anything was wrong... so it kind of startled me that she knew.
It made me feel good that she's not blind to my pain that I've been trying to hide.
And I know she understands exactly what I'm going through.
But I still feel like I can't talk about these things that are getting the best of me.
I don't trust very many people. She had to force it out of me.
Hah. I don't know. I just find it kind of funny that I thought I was doing such a good job at hiding it... while all along she knew.

*sigh*


The song that's been playing through my head a lot lately is What's this Life for by Creed.
Basically because that is my main question.. What's this life for? What's the point? Why should I keep dealing with what I deal with? hmm.
Life is just SO complicating... and I get so sick of everything.
When I feel like giving up... that song is always right there in my head.
It helps that it's got a Christian message to it.
Telling me that this life is worth more than I'm letting it be worth.



*double sigh*

=]

Today's been a pretty good day.
I smiled A LOT! ah. that's amazing for me =]
And I'm so glad I've been able to smile for real lately.
There are still things inside me that are killing me
but I've been finding things to push those things aside from my thoughts.
Yeahh.

So Tony and my friend... they're dating.
I don't know why I just can't accept the fact that he's moved on.
Lately people have been asking me, "Why do you love him the way you do?"
I tell them that I just do and I can't really help it.
But the honest reason is that he talked me out of suicide a few months back.
I mean... if I hadn't met him when I did... who knows if I'd be here now or not.
And he was the first guy that ever 'liked' me and showed it.
And he was so sweet.
but whatever.

I'm starting to feel comfortable with Taylor though.
Maybe this is good for me. I need to just move on.

Wow. I don't know why I'm so happy today! haha.
this is nice :)

well.
I'm done.
<3

*sigh*

Today was my third bad birthday in a row.
=/

I just don't know what to do.
People are starting to see through this 'happy-act' I've been putting on for quite some time.
So now people bug me about what's wrong. I won't talk to anybody.
There's only about 3 people I'd talk to about anything.

Reasons why my birthday went to crap::
1) My "friend" is dating my ex boyfriend, Tony.
And she knows that I love him.
She's acting like it's nothing.
And he just doesn't care.

I guess there's only one reason.
but still crap.
blargh.

-end-

The Dance.

So. Last night, I went to the dance at my school.
I really didn't want to go. My dress didn't look too good on me and I was nervous.
But. I'm glad I did go.
I remembered how I regretted not going to Homecoming... so I figured I might as well go anyhow since I'd already gotten my ticket.

Tyler came over and I helped him do his hair, then we went.
When we got there we met up with Hope, Chanda, and Taylor.
At first we just stood around. Hope was more hyper than the meaning of hyper, I swear. haha.
The first slow song came on and Taylor asked me to dance.
mmmyeah.

After that I got pretty hyper myself and started jumping around everywhere
and dancing like a psycho-freak. lol.

On the last song that they played... while Taylor and I were dancing, he asked me out.

I said yes... but now I'm not sure if I should've.
I do like him A LOT, don't get me wrong... but it's hard to be 'with' someone when you 'love' somebody else. Although, this other person... well. I think that's prettymuch over.. no more chances there.
But I can't help what I feel.
I hate this. =[
GAH. I hate being a girl. hahaha.

well. This is long enough.
so.
end.

[p.s. Tomorrow = my birthday. ootz =p]




[Pictures]

-before-




-this is what humidity does to one's hair-



-random pictures-

Today

Today was just one of those days that seem to drag on and on.
But at the same time, it went by pretty dang fast.
School was actually alright today. Work was as well.

Hmm. This weekend should be pretty fun.
I'm gonna do stuff for my birthday. [It's on Monday.]

Well. That's all.

later<3

My first blog.

uhm yay?
heh.
I have a different blogger thing. but I never used it.
so I'm starting a new one.
my old one was http://fluckyduck.blogspot.com
so yeh.


later days.