I'm so depressed.
I don't know. Like.. the word depressed has no significance to what I feel right now.
I feel so worthless. Lost. Unloved. Alone.
This depression is killing me.

I wish there was somebody that could help me.

I broke up with him.
I feel horrible :(
I'm just hoping he's alright...
*sigh*

Hmm.

I thought I was doing a good job at pretending... and so far it was working on everyone.
But then, out of nowhere.. someone comes up and asks me what's wrong.
I wasn't showing on my face that anything was wrong... so it kind of startled me that she knew.
It made me feel good that she's not blind to my pain that I've been trying to hide.
And I know she understands exactly what I'm going through.
But I still feel like I can't talk about these things that are getting the best of me.
I don't trust very many people. She had to force it out of me.
Hah. I don't know. I just find it kind of funny that I thought I was doing such a good job at hiding it... while all along she knew.

*sigh*


The song that's been playing through my head a lot lately is What's this Life for by Creed.
Basically because that is my main question.. What's this life for? What's the point? Why should I keep dealing with what I deal with? hmm.
Life is just SO complicating... and I get so sick of everything.
When I feel like giving up... that song is always right there in my head.
It helps that it's got a Christian message to it.
Telling me that this life is worth more than I'm letting it be worth.



*double sigh*

=]

Today's been a pretty good day.
I smiled A LOT! ah. that's amazing for me =]
And I'm so glad I've been able to smile for real lately.
There are still things inside me that are killing me
but I've been finding things to push those things aside from my thoughts.
Yeahh.

So Tony and my friend... they're dating.
I don't know why I just can't accept the fact that he's moved on.
Lately people have been asking me, "Why do you love him the way you do?"
I tell them that I just do and I can't really help it.
But the honest reason is that he talked me out of suicide a few months back.
I mean... if I hadn't met him when I did... who knows if I'd be here now or not.
And he was the first guy that ever 'liked' me and showed it.
And he was so sweet.
but whatever.

I'm starting to feel comfortable with Taylor though.
Maybe this is good for me. I need to just move on.

Wow. I don't know why I'm so happy today! haha.
this is nice :)

well.
I'm done.
<3

*sigh*

Today was my third bad birthday in a row.
=/

I just don't know what to do.
People are starting to see through this 'happy-act' I've been putting on for quite some time.
So now people bug me about what's wrong. I won't talk to anybody.
There's only about 3 people I'd talk to about anything.

Reasons why my birthday went to crap::
1) My "friend" is dating my ex boyfriend, Tony.
And she knows that I love him.
She's acting like it's nothing.
And he just doesn't care.

I guess there's only one reason.
but still crap.
blargh.

-end-

The Dance.

So. Last night, I went to the dance at my school.
I really didn't want to go. My dress didn't look too good on me and I was nervous.
But. I'm glad I did go.
I remembered how I regretted not going to Homecoming... so I figured I might as well go anyhow since I'd already gotten my ticket.

Tyler came over and I helped him do his hair, then we went.
When we got there we met up with Hope, Chanda, and Taylor.
At first we just stood around. Hope was more hyper than the meaning of hyper, I swear. haha.
The first slow song came on and Taylor asked me to dance.
mmmyeah.

After that I got pretty hyper myself and started jumping around everywhere
and dancing like a psycho-freak. lol.

On the last song that they played... while Taylor and I were dancing, he asked me out.

I said yes... but now I'm not sure if I should've.
I do like him A LOT, don't get me wrong... but it's hard to be 'with' someone when you 'love' somebody else. Although, this other person... well. I think that's prettymuch over.. no more chances there.
But I can't help what I feel.
I hate this. =[
GAH. I hate being a girl. hahaha.

well. This is long enough.
so.
end.

[p.s. Tomorrow = my birthday. ootz =p]




[Pictures]

-before-




-this is what humidity does to one's hair-



-random pictures-

Today

Today was just one of those days that seem to drag on and on.
But at the same time, it went by pretty dang fast.
School was actually alright today. Work was as well.

Hmm. This weekend should be pretty fun.
I'm gonna do stuff for my birthday. [It's on Monday.]

Well. That's all.

later<3

My first blog.

uhm yay?
heh.
I have a different blogger thing. but I never used it.
so I'm starting a new one.
my old one was http://fluckyduck.blogspot.com
so yeh.


later days.